I have been wanting to write a new post for so long...but the weird thing is, I have been doing so much better I have been drawing a blank on what to write about, what knowledge to pass on. It's not that OCD is gone. My goodness, wouldn't that be a dream come true, a miracle. Nope, it's just I have been dealing with it so well I haven't felt the urge to dive back into it...What if I come up out of the depths with it sticking to me again.
But tonight I have thought of something. The idea came to me in the shower as I followed my routine of certain things that must be done to ensure I am clean and that the shower and it's contents remain clean. I was thinking about why I do these things in the shower, about my rituals for getting dressed, using the restroom, cooking a meal, doing laundry...they are all rituals focused on contamination...however, they have nothing to do with me becoming contaminated. Hell, I could probably lick a rusty tailpipe and not think a thing of it. Nope, these rituals have all to do with me...Myself...I am the contaminate. In my mind I am the origination of contamination. If I don't keep myself clean enough I will contaminate all around me. If I don't follow the rituals in the shower, it will be unclean and contaminate my husband or child when they bathe.
This contamination fear makes my ritualizing very similar to those who fear germs, or sickness, or whatnot. However, it also makes them different enough to confuse other OCDers and to mostly confuse friends and family of my own who don't fully comprehend the disorder. It is hard to explain that you are wiping down the kitchen counter again, or washing your hands for the 50th time that day, or not touching certain things as you walk through the house as a way to control contamination...this is so hard to explain when in the same day you are able collect your dog's poo from the yard, clean up your cats' puke, and buy clothes from Goodwill. I mean, if a person is fearful of contamination, most people don't expect them to purchase someone else's stinky Puma shoes.
I also have a ritual rather difficult for even others with OCD to understand. If I walk into a store and touch a product in the store while thinking a bad thought or while my hands haven't been sanitized in the recent past, I feel I must purchase the item because it has become contaminated...I have been able to walk away many times (I don't think my wallet could handle it all), but walking away from the "contaminated" product makes me rather stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed. I am horror stricken with thoughts of the next person touching it falling ill or being hurt because of me.
When I am cooking, the idea of me contaminating the food is a major stressor. I spend an inordinate amount of time, when cooking for those outside my immediate family, insuring that the food has not been contaminated by my careless actions of maybe not washing my hands again, for the 10th time. Baking cookies or cakes for friends, or making a meal for a family can cause my brain to sizzle with anxiety. It takes twice or three times longer than most to cook or bake even a simple item because of this. Despite this, I absolutely LOVE cooking and baking.
It is an interesting way to be...seeing yourself as the source of contamination...but you live through it and you learn inventive coping skills. When you have a child you learn to mask you horror and pain and concern with a big smile and a cheery laugh. You remind yourself 100s or times and hour that they need not be subject to your disorder. When you are in a workplace, you take extra measures not to show your stress. It is interesting and can be tough...but it is what it is...And despite it all I am happy and feel lucky and love my life!!!
