Its ME, and my OCD...we're back!!!

I have not written on this blog in so long. I can hardly remember what I meant it to be, can hardly remember the words I have wanted to say for so long. And I still don't really know what I want to say, but I know I want to get back at it, get back to blogging about this nasty crap called OCD.

So much has happened since I last wrote, so much. And my OCD has certainly been affected both good and bad. The simple fact I live 2300 miles from my family members affects the OCD daily. But add in to that losing a very close family member that almost a year later I am still having a hard time saying good bye to...Or add in the loss of a pregnancy that wasn't known until we were saying good bye...Or add in the loss of my fertility, womanhood, etc...Then add in the loss of a dear friend by murder, a friend you can still hear laughing in your ear...all that ties into my OCD and how it affects me daily.

You might ask how it affects the OCD. It isn't necessarily direct. Its stress. Stress grates at the inner workings of my brain like no other, stress causes me to lose control of all the synapses firing each millisecond and allows the monster I have know so long to reemerge and strike out.

Now, when I say the OCD has reemerged, I don't mean to say it was ever gone. Rather it has been kept under the rug...still able to get me with little bumps, but not overly affective in its attack. It has been much easier for a long time to live within my body with the brain I have (THANK YOU meds and therapy!!!). The reemergence allows its attack to grow, to actually exert pain upon my psyche.

As so often in the past, it has returned in many similar fashions, but has also changed its emotional shape. It will always provoke massive anxiety within me, leaving me breathless upon attack. But the compulsions have taken different routes. I get frozen nowadays. The thoughts, or obsessions, attack and my body literally freezes. I can't move until I can stop it. Just happened tonight watching a simple episode of Tosh.0. Physically freezing can certainly be interesting when you have wee ones under foot. Along with freezing, I am continuing my ever present excessive hand washing and I still count in threes and check check check (oh how it felt good to write that three times!).

To be honest, I want to get back to this blogging business because it truly helps. You readers, if there are any, listen to me purge my stress, my anxiety, and it helps. It relieves the pressure of what's going on inside my noggin. I haven't been doing the best ever lately, my OCD has been hard on me, I feel weary and worn. Getting back to blogging gives me hope that I will survive again this little *bleep* in my life. Thank you whoever you are...I'll be writing to you more and soon!

I'm Back

Holy Wow, it has been quite a while since I last posted...right about the time my body was starting to grow weary of carrying out the process of pregnancy, right about the time I could no longer sleep in my own bed and holding my son in my lap was impossible. Yep, pretty much everything started to get put on hold and since the act of keeping up with this blog isn't priority, it fell away completely. Oh there have been so many nights I wanted to write something, really had something to say but I was just too utterly exhausted to even manage the thought of typing. Sleep took control.

I am not even sure what I will say tonight in this post, I am not sure what there is to say...Since my last post I have given birth to my second son, an absolute blessing on this family. Since his birth life has felt so haywire and I wouldn't even know where to begin in explaining it, except to say I love it. He completes our family!

Alas, though wonder and beauty have been filling life as of late with the arrival of my little one, OCD doesn't really give one rat's patootie. It still keeps roost in the caverns of my brain and when I am overwhelmed, when I haven't kept up my care, it crawls back out and gets a foothold and takes me for a ride through anxiety, fear, pain, sadness...OCD doesn't care I have things I need to get done, it doesn't care that I am in the middle of a conversation with a friend, it doesn't care at all...It is a sickness. A sucky one at that!

Lately OCD hasn't been too terrible. I have been better able to handle my symptoms and most of my usual symptoms are fairly quiet and managed. Unfortunately, I recently suffered the passing of my beautiful grandmother, an occurrence that would upset anyone but with my OCD it has caused new symptoms to occur, has opened a new road for the OCD vehicle to travel on. It has thrown me for a massive loop and I am struggling to handle the painful symptoms at times.

Death has always been something that has caused me great anxiety. I can't tell you exactly why, it has just always been something I was overly concerned with throughout childhood and until now. The finality of death, just the thought of it, leaves me breathless. Makes my body instantly churn with sadness and fear. The death of my grandmother has awakened symptoms in me that were not usually there, are not a normal part of my OCD pattern if you will.

I am overcome with hypochondria for both myself and my family and friends. I watch my husband closely as he still battles constant pain and discomfort stemming from a surgery a year ago. As I stare at him, lists roll through my brain of sicknesses he could have, of something I am not noticing and he isn't telling me. I stare endlessly at my infant son, eyes hyperfocused to notice every little nook and cranny of him. Is he breathing? Yep he is. But is his breath strong? Its fine...BUT! I watch my older son's breathing, does he need extra allergy meds? is that another rash breaking on his arm? is that a temperature I feel? My mind is obsessively filled with worry that something will happen to me and I will not watch my children grow.

Everyone has these worries from time to time, sometimes more than they would like to admit. But for me these worries, when attacked by the OCD monster, become obsessions. I can't let them go, the swirl through my brain 24 hours a day. Sometimes they keep me awake, while other times they simply invade my dreams. And as most of you reading this know, with obsessions come compulsions in OCD. I am compelled these days not to discuss my constant anxiety, it is my compulsive tool to keep the bad things from happening. Even writing this is causing me stress (I can literally feel my blood pressure rising and my head beading with sweat from breaking the compulsion)...but I want to share, I try to fight my compulsions, I want to keep the OCD from taking me away. So tonight I share with you my fear, my fear of losing family, of them losing me. My fear of death. My near inability to handle the idea of it. I share with you that for the past two months my mind has been quite filled with my obsessional thoughts regarding death.

I share and let go! I must let go to keep moving with the OCD. As my husband just said to me when he learned I was writing about death..."don't write about death, write about life"...so that's what I want to do. I want to write about life and I want to refocus on life and I want to live life. (But you all know that will be hard work with OCD involved LOL)

I've missed you all

Life Keeps Moving...

Well, its been quite sometime since I posted anything. Months. I've been tired and worn out and by the time I get a chance to write anything these days, I am too weary to put my fingertips on the keys. I'd rather lay in bed watching a show and passing out. But, I want to get back to posting, I miss it. There isn't really a reason to post right now. Nothing much new is happening. But I just want to keep the ongoing discussion of OCD.

Back in September I found out I was pregnant, which was absolutely welcome news. I had decided at that time, for the health of my child, to go off of my medications, both celexa and ritalin. This was overall smart choice for the beginning of pregnancy, when so much is happening to your child, so much is forming all at once. However, by week 14 I realized there was no way I could remain off of my medication and stay healthy for this child. I made the decision to ask the doctor to put me back on celexa (I remain ritalin free). I thought it was going to be tough talking him into it, but it was far from that. He was totally behind me in my decision and that was mighty reassuring.

Since returning to my medicated life, the pregnancy and life outside of it are much easier to take and handle and move through each day. Interestingly, going off of my medication made me realize more than ever how much I needed it. How much my disorder is truly ruled by the chemicals in my brain. How much I can't control the disorder, I can only control my reaction to it. 

I have had this disorder for a very long time. I have been diagnosed with it for a fairly long time as well. But it is only in the last year and a half that I have finally come to truly understand it, conceptualize all its many facets, and learned its attack patterns. And now that I understand it better, I am able to attack back and neutralize most situations.

Am I still affected by my disorder? You betcha! I will always be affected by it, it does not go away. My counselor described it so well the other day...It is like if I had diabetes and I had to learn how to control its affect on my body. Well, with my OCD, I have had to learn the everyday tasks I have to carryout in order to control its affect on my brain. It is a sickness too, one not easily seen or discerned but a sickness nonetheless...and I have finally found the best treatment for it. And I think because of this I have become a better wife and mother...and I am able to enjoy my pregnancy even more this time!

No Medication and the Reversal of Symptoms

About 3 months ago, maybe less, I could tell you that the symptoms of my OCD were rocking. And by that I mean, they were almost non-existent. I would have called myself about 95% good, feeling great and riding high and wondering what all my fuss over OCD had been. Speaking as a person with severe OCD, this was a freaking fantastic accomplishment. I never thought I would be so good.

At the same time, my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant. I though, no biggie, once I am pregnant I will just go off the medication and keep being positive and all will be grand. I can keep this mojo going and I can not lose sight of the fact that I have a disorder, I am not the disorder.

I got pregnant. I went off the medication immediately. I still felt good.

But this did not last. About the time my medications should of been drip-dripping their last little bit out of my blood system, my brain and my old nemesis, the OCD monster, hip-hopped back into action and took hold.

At first it wasn't too bad and I could easily recognize that I was just dealing with some OCD symptoms I had had before. I figured without the meds my defenses had been lowered a tad, but I still thought I could control it. I still thought I had the decision-making ability for the chemicals within my brain.

I was wrong.

My symptoms today are pretty strong. They are not the strongest they have ever been, they are not as bad as they could be, but oh how it is a different world from just three months ago.

But as I work through each day, battling the anxiety, curbing the feelings of insecurity, keeping my brain cells aware of the world, I know it is the best thing I could ever do for the little munchkin resting deep within me. I did this for my son and I am doing this for my little Bean. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

How Will It All Go

Hello to All My Friends! How are you? Hoping well. I haven't been on here in a while, been so busy the idea of writing a blog post takes too much energy from my already energy-zapped day. It's been quite insane. I have been doing rather well. I have my OCD moments, but I seem so better at working through them, so better at handling the stress and strain on my brain. It's been a new life, really. An almost seemingly normal life. Couldn't get much better than that!

However, recently I have taken a step back from my medications. I am now completely off all medications. It feels so weird to say. No meds, how can that be. It is a decision my health care provider and I have not made lightly, but one that takes into account some personal things going on with me. Needless to say, I am not positive the medications will be gone long, but neither am I sure I will be back on them any time soon. One thing I am 100% positive about - one day the medications will be back, for it is quite certain they help me live my life the best way possible.

So as I go forward with this new period of zero medication, I feel liberated. It is like walking freely in the water when you have been stuck in an inner tube for so long. But it is also a scary feeling, as I am not quite sure I know how to swim in this environment, I am not sure how I will do without my medication inner tube. So far, things have been okay, but it has only been a few weeks. I can tell you I have already noticed the return of symptoms that were almost squashed. I can tell you I feel the strength of OCD stronger than I did a month ago when I felt almost completely in control of it. But even with these little blips on the screen, these little peeks of it coming back to hit me with a sledgehammer, I still feel quite strong and I feel like I can hold the sledgehammer back for now.

And you know what, that is a great feeling!!!

I don't know how it will all go...but I am ready to see...

A Very Different Contaminant - Me

I have been wanting to write a new post for so long...but the weird thing is, I have been doing so much better I have been drawing a blank on what to write about, what knowledge to pass on. It's not that OCD is gone. My goodness, wouldn't that be a dream come true, a miracle. Nope, it's just I have been dealing with it so well I haven't felt the urge to dive back into it...What if I come up out of the depths with it sticking to me again.

But tonight I have thought of something. The idea came to me in the shower as I followed my routine of certain things that must be done to ensure I am clean and that the shower and it's contents remain clean. I was thinking about why I do these things in the shower, about my rituals for getting dressed, using the restroom, cooking a meal, doing laundry...they are all rituals focused on contamination...however, they have nothing to do with me becoming contaminated. Hell, I could probably lick a rusty tailpipe and not think a thing of it. Nope, these rituals have all to do with me...Myself...I am the contaminate. In my mind I am the origination of contamination. If I don't keep myself clean enough I will contaminate all around me. If I don't follow the rituals in the shower, it will be unclean and contaminate my husband or child when they bathe.

This contamination fear makes my ritualizing very similar to those who fear germs, or sickness, or whatnot. However, it also makes them different enough to confuse other OCDers and to mostly confuse friends and family of my own who don't fully comprehend the disorder. It is hard to explain that you are wiping down the kitchen counter again, or washing your hands for the 50th time that day, or not touching certain things as you walk through the house as a way to control contamination...this is so hard to explain when in the same day you are able collect your dog's poo from the yard, clean up your cats' puke, and buy clothes from Goodwill. I mean, if a person is fearful of contamination, most people don't expect them to purchase someone else's stinky Puma shoes.

I also have a ritual rather difficult for even others with OCD to understand. If I walk into a store and touch a product in the store while thinking a bad thought or while my hands haven't been sanitized in the recent past, I feel I must purchase the item because it has become contaminated...I have been able to walk away many times (I don't think my wallet could handle it all), but walking away from the "contaminated" product makes me rather stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed. I am horror stricken with thoughts of the next person touching it falling ill or being hurt because of me.

When I am cooking, the idea of me contaminating the food is a major stressor. I spend an inordinate amount of time, when cooking for those outside my immediate family, insuring that the food has not been contaminated by my careless actions of maybe not washing my hands again, for the 10th time. Baking cookies or cakes for friends, or making a meal for a family can cause my brain to sizzle with anxiety. It takes twice or three times longer than most to cook or bake even a simple item because of this. Despite this, I absolutely LOVE cooking and baking.

It is an interesting way to be...seeing yourself as the source of contamination...but you live through it and you learn inventive coping skills. When you have a child you learn to mask you horror and pain and concern with a big smile and a cheery laugh. You remind yourself 100s or times and hour that they need not be subject to your disorder. When you are in a workplace, you take extra measures not to show your stress. It is interesting and can be tough...but it is what it is...And despite it all I am happy and feel lucky and love my life!!!

Pain, and Stress, and the Whatnot...

A few weeks ago I was given a steroid burst treatment. It lasted about 2 weeks to whittle down through the steroids. I felt so much better on the steroids, my pain throughout my body, throughout my tissues and joints, was almost gone. Bye bye. But mere days after finishing the burst of steroids, I started to feel pain flares again. They were minor and short. One would hardly notice them really. But every one of them left me feeling more and more anxiety. Today, the pain is truly returning. I can now say with certainty it is my disease's pain. It is nothing else or more or less. It is what I carry within me that is doing this. I almost thought for a second it might be gone, maybe it had all been some crazy bad dream. But I was wrong. It has returned, scared away for a minute, back for vengeance. You might ask what the pain feels like, and I am not even sure I can explain that...my goodness, I have no idea how to explain it. My neck hurts pretty good right now. I am trying not to move it in order to ward off the pain. My wrist hurts and aches and flares. Along with that my fingers hurt. This morning I woke up in pain as I had so many times before the steroids. Stumbling across the floor to my son's room. Gripping the steering wheel as I drove through town I felt the pain coursing in my fingers...not at the knuckles or joints, but in between, in the meat of the finger. My wrist ached with my internal groan on so many instances of grabbing something or turning my hand or whatever. My neck just is pain. Oh I wish it would go away. I wish I could stay on the steroids forever. (Oh, but I don't, because steroids have their own terrible side...) I just really can't believe this happening. I still, so many weeks later, am shocked by the situation I find myself in...So unexpected! But, then, I guess, who expects some crap like this...I feel quite a bit like crying. I still might. 

 Needless to say, my OCD has been on high alert. Grasping onto everything. Reminding me that this disease has a life expectancy. That this disease can be painful as hell. But, my OCD also makes me feel guilty...oh isn't that OCD's way...It reminds me of how many people have it worse and why do I have to be a whiny little snot about it. It yells into the far reaches of my mind, get the hell over yourself!!! I feel guilt for all those who have it so much worse or have had it so much worse...I can't imagine all they have gone through. I feel awful for what so many have been through.

But then I say, what the hell is wrong with me feeling awful about my own situation for a minute? What the hell is wrong with me feeling scared about this at all? Because that is what I am...scared...It can't be real, it must go away right?...But, no, it doesn't. There is no cure. And I am scared...