Tick Tock...Tic Tic Tic

So, several months ago I started developing tics. Maybe I had them before, but if they were present they weren't at a recognizable level. It started small. A few twitches in my face when I had a bad thought attack. I didn't think much of it, because I thought I was just grimacing at the thought. But then it increased in number and severity. It hit a high point while I was taking a high dose of a medication. I thought, well it must be the medication. I had been on the medication for years, but never at that high a dose and never with that effect. I had my doctor switch me to a new medication. The tics slowed in number, but have never gone away. 

There are tic disorders out there. The one most people think of is Tourette's syndrome. I don't have this as this develops in childhood. However, something is happening in my body and unfortunately, this is a common disorder associated with OCD. I swear, I am like a walking definition for OCD and it's related disorders. It SUCKS!

Nowadays I can cope with the tics. They don't happen frequent enough for most folks to notice. My husband notices. But he is with me every single day. My mother notices, but she is my mother. I don't expect my nearly 2 year old son to notice for a long time. It's just Mama and she just does those things. But I hate noticing them. I hate when I know they are going to happen. I hate its ugliness. 

Yes, I said it...I find it ugly. I mean, who wouldn't? Your face contorts, or you make a funny sound, or you do a weird body movement. I can feel the tic, or whatever it may be called, about to happen. I feel the sensation of tension throughout. And for a millisecond I almost feel like I can control it. Like, maybe somehow my will can overcome it. But then it hits and TIC and it is over. It is an amazing process if you think about it and it takes an amazing amount of energy. But, sometimes when I am having a bad day, it wears my entire body out completely. Sometimes it makes me want to cry, because I just wish it would stop. I don't expect it ever will. 

I am not sure why some people have tics and some don't. I am not sure why some are born with OCD and others have almost no anxiety. If I knew these answers I would feel so blessed. But, I know what I have and I understand it more everyday. For that, I am blessed beyond compare. For that, I can move forward and still enjoy life, still feel the love of my husband and son and family and friends. For that, I can wake in the morning and accept what life throws at me.