I'm Back

Holy Wow, it has been quite a while since I last posted...right about the time my body was starting to grow weary of carrying out the process of pregnancy, right about the time I could no longer sleep in my own bed and holding my son in my lap was impossible. Yep, pretty much everything started to get put on hold and since the act of keeping up with this blog isn't priority, it fell away completely. Oh there have been so many nights I wanted to write something, really had something to say but I was just too utterly exhausted to even manage the thought of typing. Sleep took control.

I am not even sure what I will say tonight in this post, I am not sure what there is to say...Since my last post I have given birth to my second son, an absolute blessing on this family. Since his birth life has felt so haywire and I wouldn't even know where to begin in explaining it, except to say I love it. He completes our family!

Alas, though wonder and beauty have been filling life as of late with the arrival of my little one, OCD doesn't really give one rat's patootie. It still keeps roost in the caverns of my brain and when I am overwhelmed, when I haven't kept up my care, it crawls back out and gets a foothold and takes me for a ride through anxiety, fear, pain, sadness...OCD doesn't care I have things I need to get done, it doesn't care that I am in the middle of a conversation with a friend, it doesn't care at all...It is a sickness. A sucky one at that!

Lately OCD hasn't been too terrible. I have been better able to handle my symptoms and most of my usual symptoms are fairly quiet and managed. Unfortunately, I recently suffered the passing of my beautiful grandmother, an occurrence that would upset anyone but with my OCD it has caused new symptoms to occur, has opened a new road for the OCD vehicle to travel on. It has thrown me for a massive loop and I am struggling to handle the painful symptoms at times.

Death has always been something that has caused me great anxiety. I can't tell you exactly why, it has just always been something I was overly concerned with throughout childhood and until now. The finality of death, just the thought of it, leaves me breathless. Makes my body instantly churn with sadness and fear. The death of my grandmother has awakened symptoms in me that were not usually there, are not a normal part of my OCD pattern if you will.

I am overcome with hypochondria for both myself and my family and friends. I watch my husband closely as he still battles constant pain and discomfort stemming from a surgery a year ago. As I stare at him, lists roll through my brain of sicknesses he could have, of something I am not noticing and he isn't telling me. I stare endlessly at my infant son, eyes hyperfocused to notice every little nook and cranny of him. Is he breathing? Yep he is. But is his breath strong? Its fine...BUT! I watch my older son's breathing, does he need extra allergy meds? is that another rash breaking on his arm? is that a temperature I feel? My mind is obsessively filled with worry that something will happen to me and I will not watch my children grow.

Everyone has these worries from time to time, sometimes more than they would like to admit. But for me these worries, when attacked by the OCD monster, become obsessions. I can't let them go, the swirl through my brain 24 hours a day. Sometimes they keep me awake, while other times they simply invade my dreams. And as most of you reading this know, with obsessions come compulsions in OCD. I am compelled these days not to discuss my constant anxiety, it is my compulsive tool to keep the bad things from happening. Even writing this is causing me stress (I can literally feel my blood pressure rising and my head beading with sweat from breaking the compulsion)...but I want to share, I try to fight my compulsions, I want to keep the OCD from taking me away. So tonight I share with you my fear, my fear of losing family, of them losing me. My fear of death. My near inability to handle the idea of it. I share with you that for the past two months my mind has been quite filled with my obsessional thoughts regarding death.

I share and let go! I must let go to keep moving with the OCD. As my husband just said to me when he learned I was writing about death..."don't write about death, write about life"...so that's what I want to do. I want to write about life and I want to refocus on life and I want to live life. (But you all know that will be hard work with OCD involved LOL)

I've missed you all

Life Keeps Moving...

Well, its been quite sometime since I posted anything. Months. I've been tired and worn out and by the time I get a chance to write anything these days, I am too weary to put my fingertips on the keys. I'd rather lay in bed watching a show and passing out. But, I want to get back to posting, I miss it. There isn't really a reason to post right now. Nothing much new is happening. But I just want to keep the ongoing discussion of OCD.

Back in September I found out I was pregnant, which was absolutely welcome news. I had decided at that time, for the health of my child, to go off of my medications, both celexa and ritalin. This was overall smart choice for the beginning of pregnancy, when so much is happening to your child, so much is forming all at once. However, by week 14 I realized there was no way I could remain off of my medication and stay healthy for this child. I made the decision to ask the doctor to put me back on celexa (I remain ritalin free). I thought it was going to be tough talking him into it, but it was far from that. He was totally behind me in my decision and that was mighty reassuring.

Since returning to my medicated life, the pregnancy and life outside of it are much easier to take and handle and move through each day. Interestingly, going off of my medication made me realize more than ever how much I needed it. How much my disorder is truly ruled by the chemicals in my brain. How much I can't control the disorder, I can only control my reaction to it. 

I have had this disorder for a very long time. I have been diagnosed with it for a fairly long time as well. But it is only in the last year and a half that I have finally come to truly understand it, conceptualize all its many facets, and learned its attack patterns. And now that I understand it better, I am able to attack back and neutralize most situations.

Am I still affected by my disorder? You betcha! I will always be affected by it, it does not go away. My counselor described it so well the other day...It is like if I had diabetes and I had to learn how to control its affect on my body. Well, with my OCD, I have had to learn the everyday tasks I have to carryout in order to control its affect on my brain. It is a sickness too, one not easily seen or discerned but a sickness nonetheless...and I have finally found the best treatment for it. And I think because of this I have become a better wife and mother...and I am able to enjoy my pregnancy even more this time!