Life Keeps Moving...

Well, its been quite sometime since I posted anything. Months. I've been tired and worn out and by the time I get a chance to write anything these days, I am too weary to put my fingertips on the keys. I'd rather lay in bed watching a show and passing out. But, I want to get back to posting, I miss it. There isn't really a reason to post right now. Nothing much new is happening. But I just want to keep the ongoing discussion of OCD.

Back in September I found out I was pregnant, which was absolutely welcome news. I had decided at that time, for the health of my child, to go off of my medications, both celexa and ritalin. This was overall smart choice for the beginning of pregnancy, when so much is happening to your child, so much is forming all at once. However, by week 14 I realized there was no way I could remain off of my medication and stay healthy for this child. I made the decision to ask the doctor to put me back on celexa (I remain ritalin free). I thought it was going to be tough talking him into it, but it was far from that. He was totally behind me in my decision and that was mighty reassuring.

Since returning to my medicated life, the pregnancy and life outside of it are much easier to take and handle and move through each day. Interestingly, going off of my medication made me realize more than ever how much I needed it. How much my disorder is truly ruled by the chemicals in my brain. How much I can't control the disorder, I can only control my reaction to it. 

I have had this disorder for a very long time. I have been diagnosed with it for a fairly long time as well. But it is only in the last year and a half that I have finally come to truly understand it, conceptualize all its many facets, and learned its attack patterns. And now that I understand it better, I am able to attack back and neutralize most situations.

Am I still affected by my disorder? You betcha! I will always be affected by it, it does not go away. My counselor described it so well the other day...It is like if I had diabetes and I had to learn how to control its affect on my body. Well, with my OCD, I have had to learn the everyday tasks I have to carryout in order to control its affect on my brain. It is a sickness too, one not easily seen or discerned but a sickness nonetheless...and I have finally found the best treatment for it. And I think because of this I have become a better wife and mother...and I am able to enjoy my pregnancy even more this time!