So much has happened since I last wrote, so much. And my OCD has certainly been affected both good and bad. The simple fact I live 2300 miles from my family members affects the OCD daily. But add in to that losing a very close family member that almost a year later I am still having a hard time saying good bye to...Or add in the loss of a pregnancy that wasn't known until we were saying good bye...Or add in the loss of my fertility, womanhood, etc...Then add in the loss of a dear friend by murder, a friend you can still hear laughing in your ear...all that ties into my OCD and how it affects me daily.
You might ask how it affects the OCD. It isn't necessarily direct. Its stress. Stress grates at the inner workings of my brain like no other, stress causes me to lose control of all the synapses firing each millisecond and allows the monster I have know so long to reemerge and strike out.
Now, when I say the OCD has reemerged, I don't mean to say it was ever gone. Rather it has been kept under the rug...still able to get me with little bumps, but not overly affective in its attack. It has been much easier for a long time to live within my body with the brain I have (THANK YOU meds and therapy!!!). The reemergence allows its attack to grow, to actually exert pain upon my psyche.
As so often in the past, it has returned in many similar fashions, but has also changed its emotional shape. It will always provoke massive anxiety within me, leaving me breathless upon attack. But the compulsions have taken different routes. I get frozen nowadays. The thoughts, or obsessions, attack and my body literally freezes. I can't move until I can stop it. Just happened tonight watching a simple episode of Tosh.0. Physically freezing can certainly be interesting when you have wee ones under foot. Along with freezing, I am continuing my ever present excessive hand washing and I still count in threes and check check check (oh how it felt good to write that three times!).
To be honest, I want to get back to this blogging business because it truly helps. You readers, if there are any, listen to me purge my stress, my anxiety, and it helps. It relieves the pressure of what's going on inside my noggin. I haven't been doing the best ever lately, my OCD has been hard on me, I feel weary and worn. Getting back to blogging gives me hope that I will survive again this little *bleep* in my life. Thank you whoever you are...I'll be writing to you more and soon!
I'm listening on your blog and "in person." I'm always here for you...whenever. Now, if you could just text while frozen!
ReplyDeleteI can't fully imagine, but I can understand. I have some tendencies, which are definitely worse when I am stressed. I pray that your life starts to calm soon. I believe that anyone would suffer from what you have been through in the past year. I'm sorry for your losses. :(
ReplyDeleteI have hyper-responsibility just like you, though maybe not so strong. I have a problem witht he eye drops that I've taken. It has been over a month since I've taken these eye drops, so anywhere the eye drops could be I imagine they have disintegrated by now, but in the back of my mind OCD still tells that I'm touching this chemical. I have horrible fears about shortening someone's life by them touching some chemical on a door handle or something, responsibility really is not great. If you ever want to talk about these issues, feel free to message me, we can help each other if you ever need support. :)
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