How Will It All Go

Hello to All My Friends! How are you? Hoping well. I haven't been on here in a while, been so busy the idea of writing a blog post takes too much energy from my already energy-zapped day. It's been quite insane. I have been doing rather well. I have my OCD moments, but I seem so better at working through them, so better at handling the stress and strain on my brain. It's been a new life, really. An almost seemingly normal life. Couldn't get much better than that!

However, recently I have taken a step back from my medications. I am now completely off all medications. It feels so weird to say. No meds, how can that be. It is a decision my health care provider and I have not made lightly, but one that takes into account some personal things going on with me. Needless to say, I am not positive the medications will be gone long, but neither am I sure I will be back on them any time soon. One thing I am 100% positive about - one day the medications will be back, for it is quite certain they help me live my life the best way possible.

So as I go forward with this new period of zero medication, I feel liberated. It is like walking freely in the water when you have been stuck in an inner tube for so long. But it is also a scary feeling, as I am not quite sure I know how to swim in this environment, I am not sure how I will do without my medication inner tube. So far, things have been okay, but it has only been a few weeks. I can tell you I have already noticed the return of symptoms that were almost squashed. I can tell you I feel the strength of OCD stronger than I did a month ago when I felt almost completely in control of it. But even with these little blips on the screen, these little peeks of it coming back to hit me with a sledgehammer, I still feel quite strong and I feel like I can hold the sledgehammer back for now.

And you know what, that is a great feeling!!!

I don't know how it will all go...but I am ready to see...

A Very Different Contaminant - Me

I have been wanting to write a new post for so long...but the weird thing is, I have been doing so much better I have been drawing a blank on what to write about, what knowledge to pass on. It's not that OCD is gone. My goodness, wouldn't that be a dream come true, a miracle. Nope, it's just I have been dealing with it so well I haven't felt the urge to dive back into it...What if I come up out of the depths with it sticking to me again.

But tonight I have thought of something. The idea came to me in the shower as I followed my routine of certain things that must be done to ensure I am clean and that the shower and it's contents remain clean. I was thinking about why I do these things in the shower, about my rituals for getting dressed, using the restroom, cooking a meal, doing laundry...they are all rituals focused on contamination...however, they have nothing to do with me becoming contaminated. Hell, I could probably lick a rusty tailpipe and not think a thing of it. Nope, these rituals have all to do with me...Myself...I am the contaminate. In my mind I am the origination of contamination. If I don't keep myself clean enough I will contaminate all around me. If I don't follow the rituals in the shower, it will be unclean and contaminate my husband or child when they bathe.

This contamination fear makes my ritualizing very similar to those who fear germs, or sickness, or whatnot. However, it also makes them different enough to confuse other OCDers and to mostly confuse friends and family of my own who don't fully comprehend the disorder. It is hard to explain that you are wiping down the kitchen counter again, or washing your hands for the 50th time that day, or not touching certain things as you walk through the house as a way to control contamination...this is so hard to explain when in the same day you are able collect your dog's poo from the yard, clean up your cats' puke, and buy clothes from Goodwill. I mean, if a person is fearful of contamination, most people don't expect them to purchase someone else's stinky Puma shoes.

I also have a ritual rather difficult for even others with OCD to understand. If I walk into a store and touch a product in the store while thinking a bad thought or while my hands haven't been sanitized in the recent past, I feel I must purchase the item because it has become contaminated...I have been able to walk away many times (I don't think my wallet could handle it all), but walking away from the "contaminated" product makes me rather stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed. I am horror stricken with thoughts of the next person touching it falling ill or being hurt because of me.

When I am cooking, the idea of me contaminating the food is a major stressor. I spend an inordinate amount of time, when cooking for those outside my immediate family, insuring that the food has not been contaminated by my careless actions of maybe not washing my hands again, for the 10th time. Baking cookies or cakes for friends, or making a meal for a family can cause my brain to sizzle with anxiety. It takes twice or three times longer than most to cook or bake even a simple item because of this. Despite this, I absolutely LOVE cooking and baking.

It is an interesting way to be...seeing yourself as the source of contamination...but you live through it and you learn inventive coping skills. When you have a child you learn to mask you horror and pain and concern with a big smile and a cheery laugh. You remind yourself 100s or times and hour that they need not be subject to your disorder. When you are in a workplace, you take extra measures not to show your stress. It is interesting and can be tough...but it is what it is...And despite it all I am happy and feel lucky and love my life!!!

Pain, and Stress, and the Whatnot...

A few weeks ago I was given a steroid burst treatment. It lasted about 2 weeks to whittle down through the steroids. I felt so much better on the steroids, my pain throughout my body, throughout my tissues and joints, was almost gone. Bye bye. But mere days after finishing the burst of steroids, I started to feel pain flares again. They were minor and short. One would hardly notice them really. But every one of them left me feeling more and more anxiety. Today, the pain is truly returning. I can now say with certainty it is my disease's pain. It is nothing else or more or less. It is what I carry within me that is doing this. I almost thought for a second it might be gone, maybe it had all been some crazy bad dream. But I was wrong. It has returned, scared away for a minute, back for vengeance. You might ask what the pain feels like, and I am not even sure I can explain that...my goodness, I have no idea how to explain it. My neck hurts pretty good right now. I am trying not to move it in order to ward off the pain. My wrist hurts and aches and flares. Along with that my fingers hurt. This morning I woke up in pain as I had so many times before the steroids. Stumbling across the floor to my son's room. Gripping the steering wheel as I drove through town I felt the pain coursing in my fingers...not at the knuckles or joints, but in between, in the meat of the finger. My wrist ached with my internal groan on so many instances of grabbing something or turning my hand or whatever. My neck just is pain. Oh I wish it would go away. I wish I could stay on the steroids forever. (Oh, but I don't, because steroids have their own terrible side...) I just really can't believe this happening. I still, so many weeks later, am shocked by the situation I find myself in...So unexpected! But, then, I guess, who expects some crap like this...I feel quite a bit like crying. I still might. 

 Needless to say, my OCD has been on high alert. Grasping onto everything. Reminding me that this disease has a life expectancy. That this disease can be painful as hell. But, my OCD also makes me feel guilty...oh isn't that OCD's way...It reminds me of how many people have it worse and why do I have to be a whiny little snot about it. It yells into the far reaches of my mind, get the hell over yourself!!! I feel guilt for all those who have it so much worse or have had it so much worse...I can't imagine all they have gone through. I feel awful for what so many have been through.

But then I say, what the hell is wrong with me feeling awful about my own situation for a minute? What the hell is wrong with me feeling scared about this at all? Because that is what I am...scared...It can't be real, it must go away right?...But, no, it doesn't. There is no cure. And I am scared...

 

Imperfect Perfection

One of the biggest parts of OCD is an extreme fear of failure. Whether you fear you'll fail by contaminating yourself or others...or you fear you'll fail by not tapping that light switch three times and someone gets in a car wreck...or you fear if you eat that piece of fried chicken you have not eaten perfectly and will now die an early death. So very much of OCD is focused on being the perfect person.

But guess what!?! No one, not a single person in this world, is even capable of being perfect. We all make mistakes daily, we all have our little failings. And in a way, the rigors of compulsive behavior associated with OCD cause even more imperfection. We strive for perfection and are completely imperfect the whole way. 

I strive all the time to be the perfect wife and mother. To be the perfect friend and relative. But you can't be everything to everyone. You really can't even be everything to just one person. And trying to be, striving to be, will slowly eat at you. I worry incessantly about how much cleaning I have done in a day or how well I have cleaned. A perfect mother would not have a dirty house, or dirty clothes, or dirty kitchen...I worry incessantly about my weight and my looks and my being...a perfect wife would always look good for her husband, right? Does this mean that my house is always clean or that I always look my best. Oh my goodness, NO! In fact, it is quite the obvious, my obsession with wanting to clean "properly" or "look my best" keeps me from actually even achieving those things. I am overweight, I do not have the best clothes, my hair rarely is "done"...my house is constantly in the process of being cleaned and my floor is always dirty. Do I think that if I let go of things and didn't obsess so much that these things would change. Not really. But I do think I could enjoy more of life if I did. I do think that it would be much more enjoyable to spend time coloring a book with my son or watching a movie with my husband, if I wasn't obsessed continuously about the perfection of my being. 

But even with that being said, it is almost impossible for me not to obsess about it. My mind is filled continuously through every day with what needs to be done next. Always.

I am feeling more hopeful everyday that I can let go of some of this pressure to be perfect. I am so very hopeful that one day I can just enjoy time spent with my son and husband. That sitting down to a dinner with them will just be that and not be paired with continuous thoughts of what do I need to do after this or was the food good enough or is the kitchen cleaned enough. One day, I will just sit with husband and son and BE.

Had a Good Cry (not really an OCD post)

Tonight I had a good cry. I actually found it hard at first to start crying. I could feel the tears stinging my corneas. I could feel them pool at the edge of my eyes. And then I cried. I cried pretty good too. Probably not long enough to let it all out, but I cried. I have so many wonderful things in my life, so many things to be thankful for, so many things that can be so easily taken for granted. But, lately, I have been overwhelmed by some of the bad or sad or painful things in my life.

For as long as I can remember, I have not had a day without pain, physical pain, somewhere in my body. It has usually been in my back and I have not thought too much of it, as I hurt my back in college. But the pain grew, it is worse, and I have just managed over the years to bear it. Slowly, my knees and ankles joined the painful fray. Like a team hell bent on making me stop in my tracks, they would flare here and there. Still, I didn't think overly much about the pain. I would go to physical therapy, I would take medications. But, the pain has persisted. And lately, the pain has increased. It flares in various parts of my body, flitting between joints like an Ouch Fairy. It wasn't until my wrists started hurting for no apparent reason that I became concerned. Out of nowhere it seemed, my wrists began to hurt like I had sprained them. I couldn't put away dishes, because the weight of a bowl was too much for me to deal with at the time. I called the doctor, I made the appointment.

I felt stupid in the appointment. How odd does it sound to say that you are having painful joints and the pain moves around your body and, no, there is no apparent cause. They are just painful and sore and tender and sometimes swollen. The doctor told me it was a symptom called migrating myalgia, not really that common. However, it can be a symptom of some autoimmune disorders. But he really didn't think that was it. He wasn't sure what it was, but he just didn't think that was it.

When I returned to see him a week or so later, the pain remained and he sent me for blood tests. Once again I didn't think much of it. I mean, really, it must just all be in my head. I went back to life as normal and just bore the brunt of the pain. Just put my chin up in the air and kept going. I was in pain, I was exhausted, but I kept moving through the days. And then this past Monday, about the time I was thinking I should call to check on my blood tests, the doctor's nurse called me. Something had been found, my inflammation marker was elevated and they wanted to refer me to a rheumatologist right away. What!?! Excuse me, can you just wait a second...What did it mean? I asked the nurse if it could mean I have RA (rheumatoid arthritis), she told me yes. I asked her if it meant I could have other things, she told me yes. But she wanted to get off the phone with me it seemed, "the specialist will explain everything when he looks at it"...I hung up, I cried, and then I went back to the world.

My pain continues. Right now as I type this, my knee is swollen and very tender and covered with an ice packet. The pain in my fingers seems to have subsided a bit, thankfully. As well as the pain in my back and neck...my feet are still sore. I don't know what I have in store for me. I am still waiting to hear back from the rheumatologist. I just know I needed a good cry and now I will jump back into things. Sore or not.

Tick Tock...Tic Tic Tic

So, several months ago I started developing tics. Maybe I had them before, but if they were present they weren't at a recognizable level. It started small. A few twitches in my face when I had a bad thought attack. I didn't think much of it, because I thought I was just grimacing at the thought. But then it increased in number and severity. It hit a high point while I was taking a high dose of a medication. I thought, well it must be the medication. I had been on the medication for years, but never at that high a dose and never with that effect. I had my doctor switch me to a new medication. The tics slowed in number, but have never gone away. 

There are tic disorders out there. The one most people think of is Tourette's syndrome. I don't have this as this develops in childhood. However, something is happening in my body and unfortunately, this is a common disorder associated with OCD. I swear, I am like a walking definition for OCD and it's related disorders. It SUCKS!

Nowadays I can cope with the tics. They don't happen frequent enough for most folks to notice. My husband notices. But he is with me every single day. My mother notices, but she is my mother. I don't expect my nearly 2 year old son to notice for a long time. It's just Mama and she just does those things. But I hate noticing them. I hate when I know they are going to happen. I hate its ugliness. 

Yes, I said it...I find it ugly. I mean, who wouldn't? Your face contorts, or you make a funny sound, or you do a weird body movement. I can feel the tic, or whatever it may be called, about to happen. I feel the sensation of tension throughout. And for a millisecond I almost feel like I can control it. Like, maybe somehow my will can overcome it. But then it hits and TIC and it is over. It is an amazing process if you think about it and it takes an amazing amount of energy. But, sometimes when I am having a bad day, it wears my entire body out completely. Sometimes it makes me want to cry, because I just wish it would stop. I don't expect it ever will. 

I am not sure why some people have tics and some don't. I am not sure why some are born with OCD and others have almost no anxiety. If I knew these answers I would feel so blessed. But, I know what I have and I understand it more everyday. For that, I am blessed beyond compare. For that, I can move forward and still enjoy life, still feel the love of my husband and son and family and friends. For that, I can wake in the morning and accept what life throws at me. 

Could It Be?...Did I sign a new lease on my life???

As many folks know, I have been fighting the good fight with a serious mental disorder called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It is a disorder that is very often made into comic relief, but nonetheless is very serious. The medications many folks with the disorder need alone should signify this!

Well, I am in constant search and constantly filling myself with hope that there may be helpful answers out there somewhere. Not answers that will cure the OCD, I am well aware this will never happen - it is incurable. But answers to help me better tackle the Tiger that is my disorder, answers to help me choose the best path.

Recently I was able to visit an OCD specialist in Portland, OR and I feel with all of my heart and soul he handed me at least one of those answers, if not 5 million of them. Taking what he told me I have been able to return to my home and discuss things with my primary physician and finally get on some more appropriate medication. With his help I have finally got a better picture of what is going on inside my brain, why I think the way I do and why I have such a hard time with certain things. It has been miraculous!!!

And for those of you wondering what he said...well...He finally confirmed a diagnosis of ADHD. It is a diagnosis that has been discussed in both my physician's and counselor's offices. And little did I know how important that diagnosis was!!! Apparently, for those of us with both ADHD and OCD, without conquering one's ADHD symptoms, one will find it highly difficult, if not impossible, to battle their OCD symptoms. ADHD and OCD are commonly related and highly inheritable (which means I likely inherited both from someone in my family and the likelihood of me passing them on to my son is rather high). ADHD acts as a kind of megaphone to the OCD symptoms. So, until the ADHD is dealt with, the OCD symptoms will be broadcast at mega-volume throughout my brain and life no matter how hard I fight them.

So, what does this mean regarding medication? I will stay on my current SSRI to help me continue battling my OCD symptoms. But I am also adding an ADHD medication, Ritalin. Already I have seen the improvement. Already it has made a difference in my OCD. Already I know I am moving forward on the right path!!!

I feel like I made such a fantastic decision to visit the doctor in Portland and I feel like things are finally looking up for the first time in a very, very, very long time!!! (And, yes, I did just right "very" 3 times...the OCD isn't cured, folks...LOL)