Alright, folks, I have finally made it back to my fantastical blog for another fun-filled edition of OCD types...Tara-style!!! Today my focus will be on hyper-responsibility. Just what the heckfire is it!?! Well, it is basically feeling responsible for anything and everything. It is kind of wanting to control the world around you and everyone to make sure no one gets hurt. I have a crap-ton of hyper-responsibility issues.
Let's take another ride on the for instance train. Let's say you put a special medication for your dog in the refrigerator. It's gotta stay cold and that means, unfortunately for someone like me, it has to stay in the fridge with your foodstuff. Well, you might start worrying about "what if someone accidentally touches it when they are trying to get food?"...so you will go back in the kitchen to situate that medication so that it is nearly inaccessible in the refrigerator. You'll go back and sit down in the living room. "But, what if someone doesn't realize it's medication for a dog and they touch it and resituate it on their own?"...Well, that may cause you to get up and mark the medication in some way...like with a piece of tape that says "Don't Touch"...You'll go back into the living room. "But, what if someone puts something in the fridge that knocks the medication bottle over?"...You'll get back up and put the medication bottle in a bowl inside the fridge. (It should be noted here that the bowl will never be able to be used for anything else now, no matter how many times it is cleaned...) ...You'll go back into the living room. "But, what if someone doesn't see the medication bottle in the bowl and grabs the bowl and the medication bottle falls over onto their hand and contaminates them?"...You see how this can go on for literally FOREVER!!!
Hyper-responsibility certainly pertains to the long held images of a person with OCD who continuously checks whether the door is shut. Or the person who continuously checks their alarm clock, because they don't want to be late for work and somehow cause the world to crumble. But, these are not the only kinds of hyper-responsibility seen in people with OCD, as noted above. The above situation with the medication bottle, though I didn't quite have the same experience, I very well could have. There is a bottle we have to keep in the fridge for our dog with eye drop meds. I fear food touching it all the time. I fear touching it and touching anything else all the time. Will it really hurt anyone? Most likely not. But, to us folks with OCD, any kind of possibility, no matter how minute, is still a possibility.
Another type of hyper-responsibility I suffer madly from is checking water faucets. Upon washing my hands, I will stand staring at the water faucet fearful to leave, because what if the water isn't completely turned off. What if I walk away and...what? The water mysteriously will start flowing from the faucet again. Sounds nuts, huh? Kind of is...That's what sucks about this disorder. The logic really isn't there.
Another issue with hyper-responsibility that I have is not telling the complete, full truth. If someone asks me a question, I feel the need to tell them the whole truth. And for a long time, I felt if I missed any part of this "full" truth, I needed to track them down to fill them in on the detail that was forgotten. As well, if asked a question I would often answer with the absolute truth. "What time is it, Tara?"... "It is 3:12pm...not 3:10 or 3:15...3:12pm...Oops, nope, it is 3:13pm now." I don't suffer from this as much anymore. Can't tell you how I fixed that issue, just kind of fixed itself I suppose.
A big one for me, is worrying incessantly about someone being inadvertently hurt when I could have done something to keep them from getting hurt. For instance, if I walk into a store and see a puddle from the snow melting off of someone's boot, I feel compelled to track someone down to tell them about the puddle so it can be cleaned. Or I might slide the rug at the front of the store over the puddle to cover it. Or, heck, I might just clean the puddle up myself. Do I always do these things? Nope. But, when I don't take care of the puddle problem (or something similar), I leave worrying about it. And I will worry for days about whether someone might have fallen in that puddle that day. I will even keep my ears perked to listen to the news in case they talk about a person who fell and hurt themselves in that store.
All this hyper-responsibility is exhausting work. None of us should feel responsible for the whole world. But, unfortunately, some of us do. And for those of us who do, it is a battle to get through the day sometimes.
Okay, going to shut down the blog-factory for the day. I think next post we'll talk a little about numbers...I stinking love numbers!!!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
My OCD Types: Scrupulosity...Say What!?!
I have decided to talk about the types of OCD I have in the next few blog posts. In actuality, other than hoarding (which is considered part of OCD), I have had every single type of OCD there is...Many folks with OCD have had all the "types". So, I thought what better way to introduce you to types of OCD than to tell you about my own.
I am going to start with SCRUPULOSITY. For some reason I thought that might be fun. Why? Not really sure. It certainly is far from fun to experience. What was my first experience with scrupulosity? Well, the first experience I had with scrupulosity occurred when I was rather young. Maybe 9?...I had become obsessed with the idea of taking communion. At the church I attended at the time, the communion bread was that delicious Hawaiian bread you can get at the grocery. And the communion wine was none other than Welch's grape juice. Well, I would make my mother buy those at the grocery store and when we got home I would practice taking communion. I could practice taking communion for quite some time and enjoyed the process. That, in and of itself, doesn't necessarily indicate OCD...but I think looking back on it, there was probably something going on at that time that caused me to become obsessed with the communion ritual.
The time when scrupulosity became truly apparent and was very much OCD was when I studied abroad in college. I spent the Fall semester one year in Reykjavik, Iceland at the University of Iceland. It was one of the most rewarding, blissful experiences of my life. Truly!!! However, while I was there I had many intrusive thoughts of horrible occurrences that could possibly befall my family or friends. I worried incessantly that something might happen to my parents, or my brother, or my best friend, and I would be all the way across a wide expanse of space and not able to get to them.
To combat the fear I was feeling due to these thoughts, I began saying the Lord's Prayer every evening three times. Unfortunately, sometimes I didn't say the Lord's Prayer "just right". Thus, I would have to repeat the prayer three more times. And so on and so on until it felt "just right". At one point while I was there, I started worrying I didn't say the prayer exactly 3 times each night. To combat this increased fear I started writing the prayer down three times in my journal every night. That's a lot of writing at the end of each journal entry. I wonder, if someone ever finds that journal, will they take the time to read each prayer...hmm?
Strangely enough, though that particular experience with OCD was distressing, I got passed it and at the time didn't recognize it as OCD. I figured it was just something I had done at that moment in time to help me through things. But think of how it must have disrupted my evenings or even days at the time.
Currently, my scrupulosity isn't as disruptive as it once was. It has come and gone from time to time. There were times when I had to sleep holding my Bible...like it was a talisman that could save me from the intrusive thoughts. There was a time when I felt I couldn't enter a church because I had intrusive thoughts. There was a time when both hell and God were scary to me.
Nowadays, I still have a hard time dealing with the idea of sin. Every little hiccup I make in life I see as a sin and because of this I often worry I am doomed to hell. But, truthfully, everyone hiccups. Everyone makes mistakes. If we didn't, we wouldn't be human. It is how we pick ourselves up from those mistakes. How we carry ourselves forward. I believe in a forgiving, loving God. I believe he holds us close to him in both good time and bad times. However, I will often envision a God that I fear. One that I feel I have to live perfectly for each day. I don't really think that scornful God exists, but sometimes my OCD makes me fear him anyway.
Now that I have explained a little bit about my scrupulosity, I want to note that scrupulosity ties in well with a type of OCD called Hyper-responsibility. Hyper-responsibility ties into sin very often. However, it also can be something as simple as, "what if I spilled a little water on the floor and someone trips and breaks their neck?". Truthfully, this is something I would think myself. And have thought many, many times. I will talk about Hyper-responsibility in my next post, but just wanted to note that it can correlate to scrupulosity.
Have a good night folks!!!
I am going to start with SCRUPULOSITY. For some reason I thought that might be fun. Why? Not really sure. It certainly is far from fun to experience. What was my first experience with scrupulosity? Well, the first experience I had with scrupulosity occurred when I was rather young. Maybe 9?...I had become obsessed with the idea of taking communion. At the church I attended at the time, the communion bread was that delicious Hawaiian bread you can get at the grocery. And the communion wine was none other than Welch's grape juice. Well, I would make my mother buy those at the grocery store and when we got home I would practice taking communion. I could practice taking communion for quite some time and enjoyed the process. That, in and of itself, doesn't necessarily indicate OCD...but I think looking back on it, there was probably something going on at that time that caused me to become obsessed with the communion ritual.
The time when scrupulosity became truly apparent and was very much OCD was when I studied abroad in college. I spent the Fall semester one year in Reykjavik, Iceland at the University of Iceland. It was one of the most rewarding, blissful experiences of my life. Truly!!! However, while I was there I had many intrusive thoughts of horrible occurrences that could possibly befall my family or friends. I worried incessantly that something might happen to my parents, or my brother, or my best friend, and I would be all the way across a wide expanse of space and not able to get to them.
To combat the fear I was feeling due to these thoughts, I began saying the Lord's Prayer every evening three times. Unfortunately, sometimes I didn't say the Lord's Prayer "just right". Thus, I would have to repeat the prayer three more times. And so on and so on until it felt "just right". At one point while I was there, I started worrying I didn't say the prayer exactly 3 times each night. To combat this increased fear I started writing the prayer down three times in my journal every night. That's a lot of writing at the end of each journal entry. I wonder, if someone ever finds that journal, will they take the time to read each prayer...hmm?
Strangely enough, though that particular experience with OCD was distressing, I got passed it and at the time didn't recognize it as OCD. I figured it was just something I had done at that moment in time to help me through things. But think of how it must have disrupted my evenings or even days at the time.
Currently, my scrupulosity isn't as disruptive as it once was. It has come and gone from time to time. There were times when I had to sleep holding my Bible...like it was a talisman that could save me from the intrusive thoughts. There was a time when I felt I couldn't enter a church because I had intrusive thoughts. There was a time when both hell and God were scary to me.
Nowadays, I still have a hard time dealing with the idea of sin. Every little hiccup I make in life I see as a sin and because of this I often worry I am doomed to hell. But, truthfully, everyone hiccups. Everyone makes mistakes. If we didn't, we wouldn't be human. It is how we pick ourselves up from those mistakes. How we carry ourselves forward. I believe in a forgiving, loving God. I believe he holds us close to him in both good time and bad times. However, I will often envision a God that I fear. One that I feel I have to live perfectly for each day. I don't really think that scornful God exists, but sometimes my OCD makes me fear him anyway.
Now that I have explained a little bit about my scrupulosity, I want to note that scrupulosity ties in well with a type of OCD called Hyper-responsibility. Hyper-responsibility ties into sin very often. However, it also can be something as simple as, "what if I spilled a little water on the floor and someone trips and breaks their neck?". Truthfully, this is something I would think myself. And have thought many, many times. I will talk about Hyper-responsibility in my next post, but just wanted to note that it can correlate to scrupulosity.
Have a good night folks!!!
Compulsions: OCD's version of stress management...
I thought I would devote this post to the glory of compulsions. In my mind, the obsessional factor of OCD is the worst part, but compulsions are the part of it most noticed, seen, witnessed. So, they kinda deserve to be front and center to help those out there who have no stinking idea what OCD is and can't even fathom the massive amount of compulsions that can occur in the OCD community.
For folks with OCD, we are plagued with something called Intrusive Thoughts. I like to call those little buggers simply Bad Thoughts. And my family and I have even come up with the term BTA...or bad thought attack. I get those quite often. Right now, I get them many times throughout any given day. They stink and they are what lead us to carry out our compulsions.
For instance, let's say I went to the restroom and after I was done I pulled up my pants and went and washed my hands. As I am walking out of the restroom I might think to myself..."hmm, I might have touched the sink top before I washed my hands"..."hmm, maybe I should go back and clean the sink top"...And then, I might just go back and clean that sink top. Do you normal folks clean the sink top whenever you think you might have touched it before washing your hands? Well, some of you might. But, here is where OCD gets tricky. A person with OCD might go on with your day, but in the back of our head that sink top being dirty will keep rotating like a record being played. "Did I clean the part of the sink I might have touched?"..."What if I touched it with something dirty again?"..."What if I didn't get it fully clean and someone touches the dirty spot and gets sick?"...This record will keep playing until we eventually pick up the canister of lysol wipes and clean the sink again. And, you know what, we may be stuck in the bathroom cleaning it over and over again for a while. Many of us have to keep doing something, whether it be cleaning, checking, whatever, until it "feels right". So, it may "feel right" when we have cleaned the sink 3 times...or it may take 25 times.
I hope this clarifies a little bit about our need to carry out a compulsion and where that compulsion might come from for each of us. But, please note, not all compulsions (most) make sense. They are very illogical and often seem quite odd. I think I am going to take this moment to list some of my compulsions to help folks better see this.
Probably my number 1 compulsion is washing my hands. It's kinda my go to compulsion when I don't know what else to do. When I am compelled to wash my hands, I have to wash them until the "FEEL" clean to me. This often is accomplished with two washings (sometimes, miraculously, one), but it is not uncommon for me to be stuck at the sink quite some time. Unfortunately for me, most of my thoughts are focused on whether I have harmed someone purposefully or by something I did or didn't do. When these thoughts flash to me, I will wash my hands. If I have one of these bad thoughts while I am washing my hands, I have to continue washing them for an unset amount of time. As well, I wash my hands with scalding water if I can. I hardly ever touch the cold knob at the sink. Sometimes I wonder if it still works. Another strange thing with my handwashing is that I often wash my hands before I go to the bathroom and after. Not always, but often.
Probably my second biggest compulsion, is that I check things a lot and I like checking things in threes. If I check a light switch, I will turn it on/off 3 times (or 6 or 9 or 12...just in 3s). If I can't physically touch something or move something three times, I will count in 3s in my head. It is not uncommon to see me silently counting "1,2,3...1,2,3...1,2,3..." All part of the OCD game I'm afraid.
Two other big compulsions for me, and they could possibly be at the top of the list, are confession and reassurance. I feel overwhelmingly compelled to confess anything and everything. Every little thought that comes into my head, I have to fight like a banshee to keep it from flooding from my mouth. This is something I have to fight everyday, every hour. As well, I constantly seek reassurance that everything is okay and nothing has gone wrong. There have been days that I have continuously called or texted people throughout the entire day in order to make sure nothing has happened. I intuitively know nothing has gone wrong, but my brain tricks me into believing that something might have happened that I was unaware of...It is not uncommon, for instance, for folks with OCD to confess to crimes they didn't commit. Mainly because we don't always know if we can trust our own memories.
Another thing I suffer from is scrupulosity...some folks call it religious OCD. I have ways of praying. And if someone asks me to pray for them and I say I will, I have to immediately carry out the prayer. I fear not doing it and then I would have lied. I also have irrational fears about heaven and hell and the idea of sin. All too much to explain here. This is already much longer than I anticipated...
Lastly, I will say I am a compulsive skin picker. I pick at my lips incessantly and can not stop. I have since I was very, very young. It drives my family and friends nuts, but it is completely unintentional. I don't even know I am doing it sometimes.
There are so many more compulsions and to list them all would take so much more of your valuable time, so I will stop here. As well, I am getting quite tired. I think I will leave you for the evening. Sleep and my cozy bed are calling to me...Goodnight "You"!!!
For folks with OCD, we are plagued with something called Intrusive Thoughts. I like to call those little buggers simply Bad Thoughts. And my family and I have even come up with the term BTA...or bad thought attack. I get those quite often. Right now, I get them many times throughout any given day. They stink and they are what lead us to carry out our compulsions.
For instance, let's say I went to the restroom and after I was done I pulled up my pants and went and washed my hands. As I am walking out of the restroom I might think to myself..."hmm, I might have touched the sink top before I washed my hands"..."hmm, maybe I should go back and clean the sink top"...And then, I might just go back and clean that sink top. Do you normal folks clean the sink top whenever you think you might have touched it before washing your hands? Well, some of you might. But, here is where OCD gets tricky. A person with OCD might go on with your day, but in the back of our head that sink top being dirty will keep rotating like a record being played. "Did I clean the part of the sink I might have touched?"..."What if I touched it with something dirty again?"..."What if I didn't get it fully clean and someone touches the dirty spot and gets sick?"...This record will keep playing until we eventually pick up the canister of lysol wipes and clean the sink again. And, you know what, we may be stuck in the bathroom cleaning it over and over again for a while. Many of us have to keep doing something, whether it be cleaning, checking, whatever, until it "feels right". So, it may "feel right" when we have cleaned the sink 3 times...or it may take 25 times.
I hope this clarifies a little bit about our need to carry out a compulsion and where that compulsion might come from for each of us. But, please note, not all compulsions (most) make sense. They are very illogical and often seem quite odd. I think I am going to take this moment to list some of my compulsions to help folks better see this.
Probably my number 1 compulsion is washing my hands. It's kinda my go to compulsion when I don't know what else to do. When I am compelled to wash my hands, I have to wash them until the "FEEL" clean to me. This often is accomplished with two washings (sometimes, miraculously, one), but it is not uncommon for me to be stuck at the sink quite some time. Unfortunately for me, most of my thoughts are focused on whether I have harmed someone purposefully or by something I did or didn't do. When these thoughts flash to me, I will wash my hands. If I have one of these bad thoughts while I am washing my hands, I have to continue washing them for an unset amount of time. As well, I wash my hands with scalding water if I can. I hardly ever touch the cold knob at the sink. Sometimes I wonder if it still works. Another strange thing with my handwashing is that I often wash my hands before I go to the bathroom and after. Not always, but often.
Probably my second biggest compulsion, is that I check things a lot and I like checking things in threes. If I check a light switch, I will turn it on/off 3 times (or 6 or 9 or 12...just in 3s). If I can't physically touch something or move something three times, I will count in 3s in my head. It is not uncommon to see me silently counting "1,2,3...1,2,3...1,2,3..." All part of the OCD game I'm afraid.
Two other big compulsions for me, and they could possibly be at the top of the list, are confession and reassurance. I feel overwhelmingly compelled to confess anything and everything. Every little thought that comes into my head, I have to fight like a banshee to keep it from flooding from my mouth. This is something I have to fight everyday, every hour. As well, I constantly seek reassurance that everything is okay and nothing has gone wrong. There have been days that I have continuously called or texted people throughout the entire day in order to make sure nothing has happened. I intuitively know nothing has gone wrong, but my brain tricks me into believing that something might have happened that I was unaware of...It is not uncommon, for instance, for folks with OCD to confess to crimes they didn't commit. Mainly because we don't always know if we can trust our own memories.
Another thing I suffer from is scrupulosity...some folks call it religious OCD. I have ways of praying. And if someone asks me to pray for them and I say I will, I have to immediately carry out the prayer. I fear not doing it and then I would have lied. I also have irrational fears about heaven and hell and the idea of sin. All too much to explain here. This is already much longer than I anticipated...
Lastly, I will say I am a compulsive skin picker. I pick at my lips incessantly and can not stop. I have since I was very, very young. It drives my family and friends nuts, but it is completely unintentional. I don't even know I am doing it sometimes.
There are so many more compulsions and to list them all would take so much more of your valuable time, so I will stop here. As well, I am getting quite tired. I think I will leave you for the evening. Sleep and my cozy bed are calling to me...Goodnight "You"!!!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Me and My OCD
A long time ago, I thought it might be a great idea to start a blog for me to write about my OCD. Something cathartic, to let everything out and maybe, with any luck, help folks understand what OCD is and how it affects people. That was a long time ago and I am finally getting my act together and starting something.
Below is the definition of OCD that I found on the Mayo Clinic website:
Below is the definition of OCD that I found on the Mayo Clinic website:
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you have unreasonable thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead you to engage in repetitive behaviors (compulsions). With obsessive-compulsive disorder, you may realize that your obsessions aren't reasonable, and you may try to ignore them or stop them. But that only increases your distress and anxiety. Ultimately, you feel driven to perform compulsive acts in an effort to ease your distress.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder often centers around themes, such as a fear of getting contaminated by germs. To ease your contamination fears, you may compulsively wash your hands until they're sore and chapped. Despite your efforts, the distressing thoughts of obsessive-compulsive disorder keep coming back. This leads to more ritualistic behavior — and a vicious cycle that's characteristic of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Mayo Clinic Staff. (December 19, 2008). Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). In MayoClinic.com. Retrieved November 17, 2010, from http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/DS00189.
What is interesting to note is that my OCD evolves. And from what I am learning about others I know with OCD, so does the OCD experienced by most people. For instance, what the focus of our obsessive thoughts is changes depending on circumstances. My obsessive thoughts, unfortunately, center around the fear of myself hurting someone or someone being hurt because of something I did or failed to do. Because of this fear, I carry out compulsions (those pesky repetitive behaviors) to ease the fear.
Anyone reading this may think to themselves, what the heck, I worry about what happens to people too, but I don't need to wash my hands 40 times or flip a switch on/off 3 times. To those people, first of all let me say, I am beyond jealous. Secondly, let me say that those of us with OCD don't have much choice in the matter. It is an overwhelming compulsion that causes us to carry out these repetitive behaviors and makes it ever so difficult to fight them. I do not wish to wash my hands 50-75 times a day. I do not wish to do things in threes all the time. I do not wish to compulsively pick at my lips. I do not wish to avoid physical contact or avoid writing things or avoid watching things. But I do. These are some of my compulsions. (And yes, avoidance is an actual compulsion, just as confessing and seeking reassurance are compulsions.)
Also, when I talk about the fear that someone with OCD experiences, I am not talking about a normal level of concern about your parents well being when they are traveling by plane to visit you. I am talking an internal hysterical panic at even the mere thought. The panic you would feel if you turned around while walking through the mall and couldn't see your toddler, that is the panic we feel when we have a thought. Something faulty happens in our brain that heaps up the panic and fear to an extraordinary level and to alleviate that panic, we must carry out the rituals we have learned to rely on so much.
Just recently, my fears and thoughts have centered around the idea that I am a neglectful mother. Am I? NO!!! (She says super emphatically!!!) But I have made some mistakes along the motherhood trail. Who hasn't? Well, unfortunately for me, OCD carries a heavy burden of perfectionism. I see every mistake I made as a huge catastrophe. He fell and bumped his noggin. I must be completely neglecting him. Jeesh, crazy logic, right? That's it though, there is ZERO logic with OCD. And the worst part of it, is that each of us with OCD knows that there is no logic to it, but, still, we can't help ourselves. For me, I will remember a time I messed up (or I think I messed up), I will panic and worry about how awful it was, I will start to get over the worry and feel better and know that I am not a bad mother...but then...OCD raises it's head up in the back of my brain and tells me "wait a second, do you remember all those other times you messed up, let me remind you of those...and if you can't fully remember if or how you messed up, well I will just create a new, worse memory for you to gnaw with panic on..."
For us with OCD, it is much like we have two brains. We have our own brain, the true us. Then we have the OCD brain, that part of us we would so very much love to flush down the toilet. And what's so funny, is that while many of us worry about hurting others, the majority of folks with OCD don't have a bit of "do harm" in them. We are kind, sympathetic people.
I know this post is just beyond rambling. So I am going to end for now and get back at you later. Whoever you is...
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