Me and My OCD

A long time ago, I thought it might be a great idea to start a blog for me to write about my OCD. Something cathartic, to let everything out and maybe, with any luck, help folks understand what OCD is and how it affects people. That was a long time ago and I am finally getting my act together and starting something.

Below is the definition of OCD that I found on the Mayo Clinic website:

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you have unreasonable thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead you to engage in repetitive behaviors (compulsions). With obsessive-compulsive disorder, you may realize that your obsessions aren't reasonable, and you may try to ignore them or stop them. But that only increases your distress and anxiety. Ultimately, you feel driven to perform compulsive acts in an effort to ease your distress.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder often centers around themes, such as a fear of getting contaminated by germs. To ease your contamination fears, you may compulsively wash your hands until they're sore and chapped. Despite your efforts, the distressing thoughts of obsessive-compulsive disorder keep coming back. This leads to more ritualistic behavior — and a vicious cycle that's characteristic of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Mayo Clinic Staff. (December 19, 2008). Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). In MayoClinic.com. Retrieved November 17, 2010, from http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/DS00189.

What is interesting to note is that my OCD evolves. And from what I am learning about others I know with OCD, so does the OCD experienced by most people. For instance, what the focus of our obsessive thoughts is changes depending on circumstances. My obsessive thoughts, unfortunately, center around the fear of myself hurting someone or someone being hurt because of something I did or failed to do. Because of this fear, I carry out compulsions (those pesky repetitive behaviors) to ease the fear. 

Anyone reading this may think to themselves, what the heck, I worry about what happens to people too, but I don't need to wash my hands 40 times or flip a switch on/off 3 times. To those people, first of all let me say, I am beyond jealous. Secondly, let me say that those of us with OCD don't have much choice in the matter. It is an overwhelming compulsion that causes us to carry out these repetitive behaviors and makes it ever so difficult to fight them. I do not wish to wash my hands 50-75 times a day. I do not wish to do things in threes all the time. I do not wish to compulsively pick at my lips. I do not wish to avoid physical contact or avoid writing things or avoid watching things. But I do. These are some of my compulsions. (And yes, avoidance is an actual compulsion, just as confessing and seeking reassurance are compulsions.) 

Also, when I talk about the fear that someone with OCD experiences, I am not talking about a normal level of concern about your parents well being when they are traveling by plane to visit you. I am talking an internal hysterical panic at even the mere thought. The panic you would feel if you turned around while walking through the mall and couldn't see your toddler, that is the panic we feel when we have a thought. Something faulty happens in our brain that heaps up the panic and fear to an extraordinary level and to alleviate that panic, we must carry out the rituals we have learned to rely on so much.

Just recently, my fears and thoughts have centered around the idea that I am a neglectful mother. Am I? NO!!! (She says super emphatically!!!) But I have made some mistakes along the motherhood trail. Who hasn't? Well, unfortunately for me, OCD carries a heavy burden of perfectionism. I see every mistake I made as a huge catastrophe. He fell and bumped his noggin. I must be completely neglecting him. Jeesh, crazy logic, right? That's it though, there is ZERO logic with OCD. And the worst part of it, is that each of us with OCD knows that there is no logic to it, but, still, we can't help ourselves. For me, I will remember a time I messed up (or I think I messed up), I will panic and worry about how awful it was, I will start to get over the worry and feel better and know that I am not a bad mother...but then...OCD raises it's head up in the back of my brain and tells me "wait a second, do you remember all those other times you messed up, let me remind you of those...and if you can't fully remember if or how you messed up, well I will just create a new, worse memory for you to gnaw with panic on..." 

For us with OCD, it is much like we have two brains. We have our own brain, the true us. Then we have the OCD brain, that part of us we would so very much love to flush down the toilet. And what's so funny, is that while many of us worry about hurting others, the majority of folks with OCD don't have a bit of "do harm" in them. We are kind, sympathetic people. 

I know this post is just beyond rambling. So I am going to end for now and get back at you later. Whoever you is...