I thought I would devote this post to the glory of compulsions. In my mind, the obsessional factor of OCD is the worst part, but compulsions are the part of it most noticed, seen, witnessed. So, they kinda deserve to be front and center to help those out there who have no stinking idea what OCD is and can't even fathom the massive amount of compulsions that can occur in the OCD community.
For folks with OCD, we are plagued with something called Intrusive Thoughts. I like to call those little buggers simply Bad Thoughts. And my family and I have even come up with the term BTA...or bad thought attack. I get those quite often. Right now, I get them many times throughout any given day. They stink and they are what lead us to carry out our compulsions.
For instance, let's say I went to the restroom and after I was done I pulled up my pants and went and washed my hands. As I am walking out of the restroom I might think to myself..."hmm, I might have touched the sink top before I washed my hands"..."hmm, maybe I should go back and clean the sink top"...And then, I might just go back and clean that sink top. Do you normal folks clean the sink top whenever you think you might have touched it before washing your hands? Well, some of you might. But, here is where OCD gets tricky. A person with OCD might go on with your day, but in the back of our head that sink top being dirty will keep rotating like a record being played. "Did I clean the part of the sink I might have touched?"..."What if I touched it with something dirty again?"..."What if I didn't get it fully clean and someone touches the dirty spot and gets sick?"...This record will keep playing until we eventually pick up the canister of lysol wipes and clean the sink again. And, you know what, we may be stuck in the bathroom cleaning it over and over again for a while. Many of us have to keep doing something, whether it be cleaning, checking, whatever, until it "feels right". So, it may "feel right" when we have cleaned the sink 3 times...or it may take 25 times.
I hope this clarifies a little bit about our need to carry out a compulsion and where that compulsion might come from for each of us. But, please note, not all compulsions (most) make sense. They are very illogical and often seem quite odd. I think I am going to take this moment to list some of my compulsions to help folks better see this.
Probably my number 1 compulsion is washing my hands. It's kinda my go to compulsion when I don't know what else to do. When I am compelled to wash my hands, I have to wash them until the "FEEL" clean to me. This often is accomplished with two washings (sometimes, miraculously, one), but it is not uncommon for me to be stuck at the sink quite some time. Unfortunately for me, most of my thoughts are focused on whether I have harmed someone purposefully or by something I did or didn't do. When these thoughts flash to me, I will wash my hands. If I have one of these bad thoughts while I am washing my hands, I have to continue washing them for an unset amount of time. As well, I wash my hands with scalding water if I can. I hardly ever touch the cold knob at the sink. Sometimes I wonder if it still works. Another strange thing with my handwashing is that I often wash my hands before I go to the bathroom and after. Not always, but often.
Probably my second biggest compulsion, is that I check things a lot and I like checking things in threes. If I check a light switch, I will turn it on/off 3 times (or 6 or 9 or 12...just in 3s). If I can't physically touch something or move something three times, I will count in 3s in my head. It is not uncommon to see me silently counting "1,2,3...1,2,3...1,2,3..." All part of the OCD game I'm afraid.
Two other big compulsions for me, and they could possibly be at the top of the list, are confession and reassurance. I feel overwhelmingly compelled to confess anything and everything. Every little thought that comes into my head, I have to fight like a banshee to keep it from flooding from my mouth. This is something I have to fight everyday, every hour. As well, I constantly seek reassurance that everything is okay and nothing has gone wrong. There have been days that I have continuously called or texted people throughout the entire day in order to make sure nothing has happened. I intuitively know nothing has gone wrong, but my brain tricks me into believing that something might have happened that I was unaware of...It is not uncommon, for instance, for folks with OCD to confess to crimes they didn't commit. Mainly because we don't always know if we can trust our own memories.
Another thing I suffer from is scrupulosity...some folks call it religious OCD. I have ways of praying. And if someone asks me to pray for them and I say I will, I have to immediately carry out the prayer. I fear not doing it and then I would have lied. I also have irrational fears about heaven and hell and the idea of sin. All too much to explain here. This is already much longer than I anticipated...
Lastly, I will say I am a compulsive skin picker. I pick at my lips incessantly and can not stop. I have since I was very, very young. It drives my family and friends nuts, but it is completely unintentional. I don't even know I am doing it sometimes.
There are so many more compulsions and to list them all would take so much more of your valuable time, so I will stop here. As well, I am getting quite tired. I think I will leave you for the evening. Sleep and my cozy bed are calling to me...Goodnight "You"!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment