My OCD Types: Scrupulosity...Say What!?!

I have decided to talk about the types of OCD I have in the next few blog posts. In actuality, other than hoarding (which is considered part of OCD), I have had every single type of OCD there is...Many folks with OCD have had all the "types". So, I thought what better way to introduce you to types of OCD than to tell you about my own.

I am going to start with SCRUPULOSITY. For some reason I thought that might be fun. Why? Not really sure. It certainly is far from fun to experience. What was my first experience with scrupulosity? Well, the first experience I had with scrupulosity occurred when I was rather young. Maybe 9?...I had become obsessed with the idea of taking communion. At the church I attended at the time, the communion bread was that delicious Hawaiian bread you can get at the grocery. And the communion wine was none other than Welch's grape juice. Well, I would make my mother buy those at the grocery store and when we got home I would practice taking communion. I could practice taking communion for quite some time and enjoyed the process. That, in and of itself, doesn't necessarily indicate OCD...but I think looking back on it, there was probably something going on at that time that caused me to become obsessed with the communion ritual.

The time when scrupulosity became truly apparent and was very much OCD was when I studied abroad in college. I spent the Fall semester one year in Reykjavik, Iceland at the University of Iceland. It was one of the most rewarding, blissful experiences of my life. Truly!!! However, while I was there I had many intrusive thoughts of horrible occurrences that could possibly befall my family or friends. I worried incessantly that something might happen to my parents, or my brother, or my best friend, and I would be all the way across a wide expanse of space and not able to get to them.

To combat the fear I was feeling due to these thoughts, I began saying the Lord's Prayer every evening three times. Unfortunately, sometimes I didn't say the Lord's Prayer "just right". Thus, I would have to repeat the prayer three more times. And so on and so on until it felt "just right". At one point while I was there, I started worrying I didn't say the prayer exactly 3 times each night. To combat this increased fear I started writing the prayer down three times in my journal every night. That's a lot of writing at the end of each journal entry. I wonder, if someone ever finds that journal, will they take the time to read each prayer...hmm?

Strangely enough, though that particular experience with OCD was distressing, I got passed it and at the time didn't recognize it as OCD. I figured it was just something I had done at that moment in time to help me through things. But think of how it must have disrupted my evenings or even days at the time.

Currently, my scrupulosity isn't as disruptive as it once was. It has come and gone from time to time. There were times when I had to sleep holding my Bible...like it was a talisman that could save me from the intrusive thoughts. There was a time when I felt I couldn't enter a church because I had intrusive thoughts. There was a time when both hell and God were scary to me.

Nowadays, I still have a hard time dealing with the idea of sin. Every little hiccup I make in life I see as a sin and because of this I often worry I am doomed to hell. But, truthfully, everyone hiccups. Everyone makes mistakes. If we didn't, we wouldn't be human. It is how we pick ourselves up from those mistakes. How we carry ourselves forward. I believe in a forgiving, loving God. I believe he holds us close to him in both good time and bad times. However, I will often envision a God that I fear. One that I feel I have to live perfectly for each day. I don't really think that scornful God exists, but sometimes my OCD makes me fear him anyway.

Now that I have explained a little bit about my scrupulosity, I want to note that scrupulosity ties in well with a type of OCD called Hyper-responsibility. Hyper-responsibility ties into sin very often. However, it also can be something as simple as, "what if I spilled a little water on the floor and someone trips and breaks their neck?". Truthfully, this is something I would think myself. And have thought many, many times. I will talk about Hyper-responsibility in my next post, but just wanted to note that it can correlate to scrupulosity.

Have a good night folks!!!