Being Pregnant, Being OCD

This is a picture of me the night before I was due to give birth to my son in July of 2009. Of course, it would be a few more days before that birth actually happened, but I was happy and I was ready to let this kid out of my belly. Having OCD while you are pregnant presents a level stress unheard of by most.

First off, let me state how many times I saw my doctor during my pregnancy. Some of you may be kinda shocked, but for me it was necessary I see him this many times. I found out I was pregnant when I was about 5 or 6 weeks along and from that day forward I saw my doctor about every other week and many times once a week or more throughout the entirety of my pregnancy. This is not the usual course of care for a pregnant woman. I was only scheduled to see him once a month throughout, but I found it "necessary" to continuously check in with him. If I didn't have a reason to do so, I would find a reason.

The first half of my pregnancy was spent vomiting several times or continuously throughout the day. I felt there would never be a day when I could eat a piece of food and it would actually stay in my stomach long enough to be digested. I distinctly remember vomiting all over my car door, on the inside, driving to work one day at 6:30am. Thank goodness for the container of disinfectant wipes I had forgotten about in my back seat. You would think with all the time I was spending being sick, I wouldn't have found time to obsess over anything. Nope, not the case at all.

My doctor made an unwitting comment at one of my first appointments regarding the dreaded bacteria toxoplasmosis sometimes found in cat litter and potentially devastating to unborn children. My goodness, that set me off. The cats were each checked by the doctor, there litter was changed daily, Steve was made to put a door into the doorway of our bedroom to keep them out of it, I followed the cats around with disinfectant wipes. I can tell you, our house had probably never been so clean. If the cats came near me, I cringed in horror. If they made the mistake of trying to jump in my lap for a innocent pet, they were tossed to the floor. To me they were no longer my pets, they were infested vermin out to hurt my unborn child. Ridiculous in many ways, as I had had them each tested and they were simply fine. But all I could see in my mind was the potential of what they could be carrying. 

As the days and weeks carried on, my horror regarding toxoplasmosis spread to become an overall horror of germs. I remember quite clearly being in the restroom at work once and seeing one of the cleaner bottles used by the maintenance team. It stated on the bottle that the cleaner killed this many diseases and that many forms of bacteria, and I remember HIV popping out of that list and my eyes feeling like they would pop straight from my head. What if I accidentally touched something tainted with HIV and somehow pass it to myself or my child. The horror was real. It was palpable. It was a horror so severe and thick, you could cut it.

Somehow I got through the weeks and months of stressful cleaning and rules that had to be followed in order to keep things uncontaminated. My husband was worn out, exhausted. He did his best to keep up with my "rules", but sometimes just couldn't do everything. In those instances, I hate to say, I would many times go emotionally batty on him. I had no rationality concerning contamination during that time period. None. When I put on my undergarments each night, my foot could not touch the inside of the undergarment. If my foot did touch the inside, the undergarment was contaminated and could not be worn. I would go through several undergarments before I put one on that my foot didn't touch the inside of and contaminate. This got even trickier the bigger my belly got.

Later in my pregnancy, just as I was starting to not get sick all day long and learning to enjoy food once again, I lost much use of my hands. I already have severe carpal tunnel syndrome. During my pregnancy, the swelling of tissue in my arms caused the carpal tunnel to be extreme and nearly required a surgery during my second trimester (but they deemed it too dangerous). My husband at times had to cut my food for me and help me dress, for my lack of being able to hold the silverware and grasp the buttons. It truly sucked!!! But, my fears continued through this. I would still clean with the disinfectant wipes the best I could. I would still have to keep my foot away from the inside of my underwear, I would still have to sit properly on the couch over and over until it "felt right", I would still follow my husband around with disinfectant wipes as he cleaned the litter box each day. 

But then July 17, 2009 arrived. I went to William Beaumont Hospital in Troy, Michigan for a routine non-stress test. My son's heart rate dropped dramatically and my induction began a day early. For the next couple days I was wrapped up in a zone of determination...a determination to safely deliver my son into this world. During these few days, my OCD was obliterated by that determination. I was focused. Alas, soon after giving birth to my son and resting for a mere few hours, the OCD returned and has remained. As it ever will...