Walking On Eggshells With ME

Something I am always trying to think of is a way to best describe OCD to the person who doesn't have it and has never experienced it. I usually have zero idea of any way to best describe it. But in talking with my mother one evening, a way dawned on me. One can think of OCD as having to walk on eggshells with your self. Not eggshells with that easily angered boyfriend or eggshells with your in-laws or even eggshells with your ultra-conservative grandmother. Nope, I am talking eggshells with yourself. That is what every person with OCD is doing, walking on the eggshells, trying their damnedest not to crack one or make a sound to alert the OCD monster within their minds.


All of us with OCD have a line we feel we must tow. Actions that rule our everyday to keep a specific order so that we do not awaken the OCD monster. We fear that monster awakening. It is an abusive part of ourselves. It abuses us from within everyday. But everyday, we carry out certain rituals, compulsions, in order to try and keep that OCD monster happy or quiet or asleep. If we just wash our hands exactly twice each time, it will remain happy. If we make sure to tap the light switch three times or six times or twelve, then the OCD monster will not wake and lash out at us. That OCD can at times keep us scared for our lives, literally. It is like an abusive parent, spouse, or friend. Well, it's never a friend.


And somedays, for whatever reason, we are unable to tow the line perfectly. And because of this, our OCD monster awakens, grows grumbly, gets louder. It screams out in our head like a blow horn is attached to our thoughts. Like the images within our brain are being played out on a big screen in front of us. And in these instances, we hop to it, jump back in line, and work harder to carry out our compulsions. We exhaust ourselves in every way just to quiet the monster. We burn the circuits of our brain, wash the skin practically off our hands, fold and refold the clean clothes, open and close the refrigerator door, take shower after shower, check and recheck. It feels endless.


So, with that I simply say that having OCD feels like I am walking on eggshells with myself.